"I love you"

"I love you"

When someone says that to you, how do you believe it?

Do you look at evidence? If so, what constitutes evidence?

I doubt there is ever a good reason to believe that. We believe it because we trust that person.

Cheating destroys that trust. Cheating makes it impossible for anyone to believe you when you tell them that you love them.

I cheated. And you will never believe that I love you.

Dear Love

The fact is there are no universal truths in this world. But well, if there is no universal truths then the first statement becomes an irony doesn't it?

I never really cared about universal truths. What matters at the end of the day is your truth.

Your experiences and your mistakes taught you many things. They represent your truth. Since no two people have the same experience, no two people have the same truth.

One can think that Racism is apparent in Singapore because of one's experience. Another might insist that Racist is not as apparent due to his own experience. Which is right?

Is it always fair to attempt to reach a "universal" truth?

True, we can try to parallel these 'truths' to a set of criteria. We can tend weigh the validity on each criteria and eventually coming to the preferred 'truth'.

However in attempt to select a truth, we negate the history and personality of a person. This is because we are debunking "his truth".

I have my reasons to why I have my preference. I have my reasons to why I made those mistakes. These are my 'truths'. And you have them too.

I believe that vegetables are good but you don't. And I have learnt to left it as such. I believe that the principals of a person define that person. You believe that material things such as looks matter as much.

I haven't attempt to disestablish what is or why is something important to you. We have discussed about them. And an attempt to discussion isn't an attempt to disestablish.

Still, it is another thing altogether for two people committed in a relationship to set certain standards and rules. These rules derives compromise. A compromise is not negating someone's truth: it is to come to a an agreement for the better of the relationship despite of each other's 'truths'. These rules are important.

I'm not accusing that you do it intentionally, but the fact is I feel especially attacked when you attempt to 'convince' me of your opinion. But those are no longer just matters of discussion. You have overstepped the boundaries.

And say if I was indeed in the wrong. It would be unfair for me to throw up such a big fuss and still need you to slowly pander to me. It is unfair isn't it.

But I guess I was hoping that you would do it for me. Be graceful in how you bring across something to me.

You are no just smart. You're almost perfect in alot of ways. The fact that you are most easily irritated by things you cannot change (looks, family etc) speaks alot of what you think of yourself. And I agree with your take on yourself.

It is through your experiences that stressed to you abt the importance of certain things and the less importance of some. Those are your 'truths'. It is the same set of 'truths' that dictates the importance of physical intimacy. The same truth also tells you that I am not good enough in some ways. Its the same truth that tells you that the things I should not want the things I want.

I have been really moody these days because of us. I know I hurt you a great deal more when i cheated on you. But it is also my truth that my boyfriend should never react to me out of anger. This 'truth', formed from some years of experience, may not be correct. I might be focusing on the wrong things. Certainly, betrayal is of a greater sin.

But when you say hurtful things to me, do you say them because you have to, in order to necessitate the discussion, or did you say them to hurt me (to win the argument).

I want to make things work. And i'm quite certain you want it as badly, if not more. But it seems that its impossible: we can't seem to reach a set of rules through compromise while holding respect for each other's life experience and history.

Pop goes my heart.

When i first discovered Glee, I loved it so much that despite downloading it, i still rush home to catch it on cable.

I cried over the songs. Especially the episode when everyone found out that Quin was pregnant. I felt i could relate. Not to getting knocked up of cuz, but the general grief that these phantom identities go through.

I am a lil annoyed with Glee season 2 though.

I can blame that on alot of factors but i have to ask myself. What happened to the Glee i fell in love with?!?!!

Or rather, did I change? Am i no longer attracted to Glee just cuz its no longer 'fresh'.

Does this applies to relationships i wonder? I suppose it does. That's why we call the initial stages the honeymoon period isn't it?

Well, my honeymoon period is quite over. We have had our fair share of quarrels. But the most recent one still upsets me inside. I don't know how to quite explain why or how i am still upset. But I am upset about my relationship. There are just too many unanswered question.

Its also a lil more tiring now. I wonder if this is cause the "freshness" element is no longer there.

But one thing i'm sure is that i actually really love this boy. I just need to find ways to make things work better.

I don't think I can keep doing this

We are not gods are we? We set standards for yourselves but there are times we don't meet them. What do we do when we don't met these standards?

We set standards for others too: the annoying man who refuse to keep to his left, the child running amok at the library. What do we do when people don't meet our standards?

"Fucking rude la? how hard is it to keep to the left"

"children like that just have irresponsible parents"

But is it fair? Is it fair that I as an individual must conform to the standards of the society?

At a more personal level, say between friends, is it fair that your friends can judge you based on their standards?

How about a relationship?

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You are an individual of an unique mind that has its own history to tell. You have an unique heart that had basked in its fair share of joy and sorrow. No one person in this world will ever completely know you. No one.

You're alone.

Is it thus fair for others to judge you when they don't know your story? Well, if its a 'no', then how far can this argument stretch?

Can you judge a NSF for not giving up his seat when you don't know that he hurt his ankle in field camp?

Can you judge your friend about school grades when you don't know your friend's family situation?

Can you judge your lover?

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I suppose that all relationship dynamics comes with its own sets of rules. In a wider relation context, say you and the society, the element of the individual history is negated. This is negation is much relaxed in a narrower context such as between you and your friends.

Between lovers? Must a couple keep a monogamous relationship? Must the guy always pay for dinner? Must.Must.Must.

The rules must be set and agreed upon by both parties. Without agreement, this social contract is not binding.

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I think its fair for people to judge/make inferences about people who don't meet our standards: its quite impossible not to. We are just people.

What's more important is what you do when people, such as the general public, your friends and even yourself, fail these prescribe 'rules'/standards.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I don't even know what the fuck I wanna say. There is just so much going through this head of mine that nothing makes sense.

This judging thing. I just hate it. I hate it cause I makes mistakes. I hate it cause I don't agree with the 'punishment' when I make mistakes. I hate it cause I'm put in a position of no bargaining power over the 'punishment' cause I made the mistake.

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Sigh, you can argue it anyway you want. I would probably agree with your argument cause you're actually logical and smart and the things you say usually makes sense.

But its gonna be very hard for me to stay around if you're gonna come down hard on me every time I make a mistake cause I don't think I am every gonna meet your standards. And also that this 'punishment' hurts big time.

Rant: You

i'm sick of you making me feel bad about myself.

no, you don't put me down. You don't make fun of me excessively.

But every time we quarrel, you always make me feel like i'm being a know it all. You always make me feel like I'm in the wrong. You never once pause to think that for you to accuse me of being in the wrong, you have to assume you're right. You never once pause to think that whenever you accuse me of being extra stubborn, you criticizing yourself to the same extent.

You never once agree that what we needed was understanding. You get defensive and accuse me of things when i'm not certain about. Granted, I can't give you a solid answer. But that doesn't mean I'm accusing you. I'm only as human as everyone else, there are very few things I'm completely certain about. So stop poking at these insecurities of mine when I wasn't even hanging it out for anyone...else.

Its just so tiring to realise that you hardly care about how I feel. You go on about how you know me so so well when in reality you don't know that much. You don't ask me about things: you just make assumptions.

I'm so fucking sick and tired of you making me feel like I'm always in the wrong albeit unintentionally. And now, I don't even dare to talk to you about the parts of you that you seem like to hide from anyone else. I feel like you're just waiting to judge me for my opinion, rather than explaining anything else.

And though I'm not sure, I don't think you will ever read this post.

And I'm very sure that if you do, its cuz I mentioned it on msn just earlier.

Me.

Its been so many years since I last visited this place.

It used to be a heaven: somewhere I could gabble on all my private thoughts. Then too many people knew about it. Including my GP teacher.

Now this old blog, abandoned for these last two years seems to be prefect once more. Too long has passed, so i sincerely doubt no one would ever check this out.

If I were to blog about what happened the last few weeks, i suppose there would be quite a many wonderful memories. But right now, i just feel like shit.

Crude simple language: but like shit is how it is.

There isn't anything I feel motivated for. And when you find yourself fast forwarding through Glee and ANTM, you know some shit is up.

Shit. that's how my mind feels. just a mash up all of sort of unwanted nonsense hurled together and compressed into that nucleus of this body. This body however feels hollow. There isn't any need for food, companionship, rest or sex. So lets bother about dreams shall we?

Dreams. It used to be a very wonderful experience. You have a goal and you work your way towards it. Right now, it just seems like a cruel joke. I use to dream alot.

I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like anything matters. Teaching doesn't bring me joy anymore. It used to. This life is beginning to feel like its dying.

Death seems like an easy way isn't it? I tried to a few days back. But I didn't had the guts to do it. I can't live my mum behind. She was the last shoulder i cried on (just a couple of mins back). She worked so hard for me. She's the hardest person for me to let go.

Let go. I suppose thats the answer eh?

I wanna find the answer to all of this.

A Chinese Valentine

A young cowherd named Niulang ( 牛郎 literally "cowherd", came across seven fairy sisters bathing in a lake. Encouraged by his mischievous companion the ox, he stole their clothes and waited to see what would happen. The fairy sisters elected the youngest and most beautiful sister Zhinü ( 织女 literally "weaver girl") to retrieve their clothing. She agreed to do so, but since Niulang had seen her naked, she agreed to his request for marriage. She proved to be a wonderful wife, and Niulang to be a good husband. They lived happily and had two children. But the Goddess of Heaven found out that Zhinü, a fairy girl, had married a mere mortal. The Goddess was furious and ordered Zhinü to return to heaven. On Earth, Niulang was very upset that his wife had disappeared. Suddenly, his ox began to talk, telling him that if he killed it and put on its hide, he would be able to go up to Heaven to find his wife. Crying bitterly, he killed the ox, put on the skin, and carried his two beloved children off to Heaven to find Zhinü. The Goddess discovered this and was very angry. Taking out her hairpin, the Goddess scratched a wide river in the sky to separate the two lovers forever, thus forming the Milky Way between the stars Altair and Vega.

Zhinü must sit forever on one side of the river, sadly weaving on her loom, while Niulang watches her from afar and takes care of their two children (his flanking stars β and γ Aquilae or by their Chinese names Hè Gu 1 and Hè Gu 3).

But once a year all the Magpies in the world would take pity on them and fly up into Heaven to form a bridge (鵲橋, literally "the bridge of magpies") over the star Deneb in the Cygnus constellation so the lovers may be together for a single night, which is the seventh night of the seventh month of the lunar calender.

Last night, it was the 28th of August. Last night, it was the 8th of the Seventh Month of the Lunar Calender. When we glanced up through the telescope, both Vega and Altair has already drifted apart. Still, it was nice to share that sight with you.